Becoming a recluse is not a choice.

Shadow

Becoming a recluse is not a choice.

After years of abuse and truama, shutting oneself off from the world feels refreshing and powerful. Here in my room, no one can see me, no one can hear me, no one can hurt me. I am secluded and this space feels spaceless.

My mind can now wonder in peace. My body can now relax. My digestive system can now digest.

What else lurks in this space that I have created for myself! Ah, yes. Loneliness. Loneliness can be defined as: "the state of being alone in solitary isolation" I wonder how those in prison who have found themselves in solitary confinement cope with their loneliness. Is it not the same as the solitary room I have created? The sounds of traffic, people, children are completly forgotten as the ears can no longer hear their sounds. What is left is an eerie silence.

I was on a trip one time a few years back in my campervan. I stop the van where ever I can find a place to sleep. My sister in law told me not to park in the woods going into Ontario as it is known to be a place where women are abducted and strange things happen. We laughed and joked about axe murderers and such.

I left my sister in laws place, drove about 10 hours and was tired. I looked for a place to spend the night and here I was, in those very woods she warned not to go into but tiredness overrode any sense of safety. I parked my van and prepared to spend the night. Darkness crept in.

My body was relaxing as I slowly started drifting off. Then a noise. Sounded like car tires on gravel. I sat up and looked out the windows, but could not see anything. The noise happened and again, and again. I was starting to freak out. I got up and locked all the doors, secured all the windows, put my keys beside me. My mind conguering up all kinds of demons and axe murderers. I layed back down listening. The noise was still there.

Then, in the quiet. I heard my heart beating. My heart beating loud and erradic. The noise I was hearing was my own heart beating. I smiled to myself. What an idiot. Images planted in my brain by my mind insisted the noise was out to get me. That a monster was waiting to devour me. When it was only my inner heartbeat. Your imagination does not distinquish the real from the unreal.

Did you ever watch a cooking show on youtube and could smell the food cooking as if it was right there in your kitchen? The mind is a wonderous thing. All it wants to do is protect and nourish you.

Which brings me back to my solitary room. My sanctuary. My isolation. My loneliness. My recluse. The part of heaven that I have created justifying to myself that this is it. This is what I have been looking for. But, my mind can deceive me. My mind can lie to me. What is truth anyway! How do I step out and free myself or am I forever doomed to stay as a recluse.

The longer I shield myself from others, the harder it is to reconnect .

I go visit my family and from the minute I get there, all I can think about is how to get out of there and return to my solitude. The state of being alone in solitary isolation.

How long does it take for the mind to crack. Where is this thin line between sanity and insanity.

How do prisoners deal with the quiet outside their bodies with a mind that continues to chatter and demand attention from within. Their time in isolation will end. My time in isolation can go on until death do us part. Is this a choice or has the mind and body been so wounded by trauma and life that it cannot escape it's solitary confinement. They say it all starts in the mind. I think it is also in the body. The scars are so deep in the body that it has left it in a state of brokenness and shadow. The lower death drive.

All that I know is what I have been taught, seen, held, read, smelled, heard. I have been programmed to. Like a robot, I can only give out what has been put in. Condemned to repeat and repeat. Here in my solitary, I am no longer engaged. I can now look at my shadow and see the darkness that has been created without my consent or permission.

Bring on the demons. Bring on the night. Bring it all on so I can slay the dragon and realize it is only my hearts beating that I hear.